70 – The ‘Better a Part’ Campaign

‘It's a Mr. Shem,’ says the receptionist with an unpleasant sneer. He hands the receiver over to Agnieszka McFarlane. She looks startled. Julio Shem, who is Melanie Grintclaw’s toy boy, is fronting the ‘Better a Part’ campaign, and is phoning to get Agnieszka’s support. The demure librarian however is a strong opponent of the referendum, and gives him short shrift. Then after further consideration she gives him long shrift. Predictably, in a place as claustrophobically constipated as Gwair, the emotional febrility of the local independence referendum campaign raises shackles everywhere, and as the day proceeds the temperature soars. The rioters are out singing literary songs in the High Street. 

69 – Secession

It is an awesome morning. With only another few days of the Gwair Autumnal, today’s speaker  is Aron Cledgling, who addresses the central issues of Independence for Gwair. His talk on the cultural aesthetic of Afrofuturism is accompanied by a loose-framed soundtrack which he composed whilst climbing in the Samazar Valley of the Jebel el Kest Massif. Two of the three members of the audience have nodded off, while the third listener is Malvolio Claxendel, who is impatiently full of questions. He is demanding to know how this relates in practice to secession from Hay-on-Wye, Powys and Herefordshire. Cledgling retorts, ‘Stop twerking me, Mal boy, and do the right ting!’

68 – The Independence Debate

Only today does Katlyst Brough realise that she’s been used. The aim of Kunilemel’s interview was to undermine the credibility of the splenetic self-publicising literary agent, Melanie Grintclaw. By claiming that Gwair parish council is wasting money by arranging its independence referendum on the same day as that of the more widely publicised Hay-on-Wye referendum, Katlyst is in fact making a stand against the partisan views of Ms. Grintclaw (she frequently stresses the title Ms. as she herself has been elevated to the damehood). The two camps are at daggers drawn as Thursday’s vote gets closer.  Both banks, and both minisupermarkets are on opposite sides and sport their respective banners.  

67 - So the lady thinks

It is no doubt a risk for Katlyst Brough (Grande Dame of the literary world and emeritus chairman of the renowned publishing firm, Ducats and Winoth) to subject herself to an interview with gossip columnist, Antoine de Kunilemel, during the last night symposium of the Gwair Autumnal Bookfest. His last sensational scoop, readers will recall, brought down the poet, Carmel Weinz, and malevolently besmirched the reputation of the naive Rabbi Oud Ramonides, and the story of his run in with the splenetic self-publicising literary agent, Melanie Grintclaw is legendary. The interview however passes blandly, and Brough is delighted for the publicity without having revealed a thing. Or so she thinks.

66 - The Burghers of Stonehenge

The poet and thinker, Abdul Hasib ibn Burd, is talking today about his adventures studying the standing stones of ancient Britain.  In the audience Rabbi Oud Ramonides is listening perturbatively as he continues his cognitive quest to interpret  (through Reikarial introspection and a weekly dose of Neshamah Yeseira) the Book of Future Creaivity. He believes   that ibn Burd has stumbled across the key elements  that will unlock the secrets of the scroll which Ramonides discovered in the Paduan villa. Sitting next to him, a squirming (as a result of a severe attack of haemorrhoids) Justin Lobbos is also scarlet with embarrassment after yesterday’s unfortunate incident at the village community centre.

65 - The Enigmatic Shape

Today's speaker at the Gwair Autumnal is the Art Collector Hans van Bonvol who Malvolio Claxendel met recently in a coffee bar in Amsterdam. Whilst bonding over an enigmatically shaped joint, van Bonvol explained that he is the leading authenticator of Mantegna engravings. Despite the current controversy (between those who doubt if Mantegna ever made any engravings himself and those who believe he spent most of his life, when not eating licorice gelato, deeply immersed in engraver's acid) van Bonvol is with the majority who suggest that Mantegna made only seven engravings. As an authenticator therefore today's speaker has little to occupy his time. He therefore dabbles in van Goghs.

64 – The Consumate Self-Deterrent

 

After visiting Hamenstash Yumble in the West Herefordshire Benevolent Infirmary, Rabbi Oud Ramonides trundles along to the dusty mansion on the far side of Lateral Gardens. He is carrying the ancient scroll which he found in Padua, and is hoping that the cryptologist, Justin Lobbos, will be able to help him. Lobbos is an elderly man with a wrinkled demeanour. He studies the fading inscriptions, and nods. Oud shakes his head. In unison they both utter a single word. ‘Incredible!’

At that exact moment, in the Gwair Assembly Rooms, Melanie Grintclaw assures her audience that she is proud to be self-interested, and is herself (by definition) an amazingly hallucinatory phenomenon.