Dramatis personæ

To alleviate the cognitive load on the readers, Malvolio Claxendell begs to put before you the cast.

Malvolio Claxendell - tone-deaf inventor of the Vacuum Desog, the TAPIT (Touch Photograph in Three-dimensions) and the infamous Leecock-Proust mechanism. Long-standing member of the Institute of Lyrian  Archeology. Owner of a huge Regency pile in Sussex, and the Gwair-on-Wye branch of Yifitsinprint Books.

Alphonse Callooh - taxidermist, transvestite and regional inspector of abattoirs - previous owner of the shop taken over by Claxendell and Quinine

Dido Doolittle - owner of the Back Room bookshop

Samuel Quinine - owner of the Seven Dials branch of Yifitsinprint Books, acting manager of the Gwair-on-Wye branch, now suitor of Miss Lapricia Organdy

Kolya Quinine - infant-genius, grandson of Samuel, son of Lustral and Sonia

Lustral Quinine - very quiet scholar, researching Magyar Literature 

Sonia Quinine (nee Labrador) - travels the world promoting her fashion business (she designs trendy ‘supportwear’ for the fashion-conscious over eighties)

Leroy Fingal - estate agent

Leporello Swinson - nephew of Wolfram Bettel. his brother Antonin is a helicopter pilot - lodges with Samuel (so is accompanying him to Gwair)

Rabbi Oud Ramonides - mystic and puzzler practices Reikarian Meditation, expert on processes of the qabbalah 

Justin Lobbos – wrinkly cryptologist

Cecily Fingal - local crochet expert,  and owner of ‘Tight Knit’, the extreme haberdashery and wool store next to the post office 

Lapricia Organdy - owner of the rather ugly dog called Sennacherib (also sometimes known as Mut-Ashkur).

Augustus Albe - teacher of higher education

Abdul Hasib ibn Burd - Lebanese Poet-Philosopher and horse rider

Antoine de Kunilemel - news and gossip journalist from Hagnag (aka the Hay and Gwair News and Gazette)

Ludwig Organdy - retired butcher, father of Lapricia

Wilfriede Organdy - cafe owner, mother of Lapricia, sister of Alphonse Callooh, the taxidermist

Yevgeny Huxtable - a curmudgeonly pianist and studio owner (*)

Guthrie Cotton - a depressed horticulturalist who is obsessed by the music of Bach (unlike the tone-deaf Malvolio Claxendell, whose interest in Bach stems from his belief that JSB was the greatest ever mathematician, and Flower Therapist)

Augustus Albi – teacher of Creaive Thuikning at a local FE college (Hedre is particularly interested in his work) - suitor of Miss Lapricia Organdy

Hwybren Masterson - biographical research in process

Myfanwy Detroit - biographical research in process

Axel Sanciere – author of the best-selling volume ‘Smash the Education System - Why the Zone of Proximal Development is a Teachers’ Con Trick’, currently writing a history of Russian beverages, called ‘The Wygotsky Tea Years’ 

Dame Katlyst Brough - a towering figure in the literary world, emeritus chairman of the renowned publishing firm, Ducats and Winoth 

Sister Ada Sommos - wise but confused clairvoyante, tarot card reader, and talented player of the alto sackbut (though she calls it a shakbusshe)

Melanie Grintclaw, greatly feared splenetic self-publicising literary agent, obsessed with Melanie Grintclaw (and Žižek)

Hamenstash Yumble – narcissistic artist and celebrity famed for his chiaroscuro drip technique

Gwendolyn Thorogood - young flaxen haired scientific researcher, close friend of Leporello Swinson and sister of Clarissa

Clarissa Thorogood – horticulturalist, ex-lover of Carmel Weinz and sister of Gwendolyn

Carmel Weinz - an exceedingly good writer and poet (but not an exceedingly good person)

D. N. Zigwolf – speaker at the annual seismological research conference, founder of the International Free CDS Institute

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