33 - Technodependency

In the Old Pull and Push tavern the good companions are sitting around, ignoring their pints as they tap assiduously at their iPads. Oud Ramonides is lost in an online yiddish translation of Eliot's long lost 'He do the Policemen  in Different Voices' whilst Samuel Quinine is updating his MySpace profile, wondering why no-one has contacted him there, and Hasib is scribbling obscure prose-poetry. The evening passes peacefully until Malvolio Claxendell looks up from his clockwork T-reader and mutters, 'Lucky we haven't got to talk to each other, innit!' However his observations are interrupted by a clatter of gold and plastic as he inadvertently drops his dentures. 

32 - Shut the blind

There were seldom ever any private or secret conversations between Ludwig and Wilfriede. The truth was that they were both a little hard of hearing, and would automatically increase their decibel level when talking to each other. On the odd occasion when confidentiality was indeed essential they would post messages to each other on Facebook, unaware that in so doing the whole population of Gwair was now able to eavesdrop. It was therefore no surprise therefore when the words 'Shut the blind, people can see your feet when you're in the toilet' appear on the social media above a retweeted mp3 track of 'Call us lot your builders?'  by the Iron Grunge band, Scabby Felix.

31 - Yo Mantegna!

There is a buzz around as Guiseppe della Rebina, the new Italian chef at the café, begins to bring about changes. First he gets rid of the old sun shades and buys new sunflower yellow parasols. Then he paints the chairs and tables black, and rebrands the café as a bar-bistro.   Finally he hangs old renaissance prints of works by Mantegna and Bellini. He explains to Hasib, the poet-philosopher, that he comes from the town of Mantua, where they know how to treat men. Hasib tells his friend Oud Ramonides who agrees that Guiseppe is a real mensche. Behind the scenes Hasib is still striving to create an agreement.

30 – Smoke gets in your eyes

The Hay and Gwair News runs an editorial by Antoine de Kunilemel, listing all the current  conflicts disturbing the village. Inevitably it is the latest conflict, the struggle against the new Hypermarket, that is causing the greatest concern. It falls upon the shoulders of poet-philosopher, Abdul Hasib ibn Burd, to try and mediate. He visits the Decorators, and discusses their demands, before walking down through the town with the Lower Herefordshire Morris Men, to The Snatcher on the Wye, where he sits with his friend Oud Ramonides and the irate Ludwig Organdy. While he tries to find some common ground no-one notices the acrid smoke wafting across the green fields.

29 – At ‘The Snatcher on the Wye’

The mild-mannered and generally unopinionated Ludwig Organdy has always been a conventional man (other than his particular interest in nurses’ uniforms).  However the plan to build a Hypermarket has finally incensed him. His initial hesitation at socialising with Rabbi Oud Ramonides has been replaced by enthusiastic friendship. All this on the basis of seeing the Rabbi’s billboard publicising the campaign against the local decorators who are collaborating with the Hyperbusiness.  Ludwig is organising a demo, so he takes Ramonides down to the riverside pub ‘The Snatcher on the Wye’ to discuss plans. Meanwhile up the road, the ProHypermarket Campaign swings into action. Both sides now embark on a media blitz.

28 - T-Readers

‘Elegant, schmelegant!’ says Dido Doolittle staring across the road at the new window display in Yifitsinprint Books.  The recent meeting of the Gwair Literary Gala Committee broke up in acrimony over the application by E-Bargum, retailer of e-readers, who was plotting (sic) to acquire the leasehold on number 26. Now Yifitsinprint has artistically designed notices promoting E-Bargum’s Earl Grady’s T-Readers. As she watches, Dido sees Oud Ramonides, still disorientated from his clove tea. He is carrying a billboard proclaiming alliteratively, ‘Punish patronising painters propping up perpendicular palisades!’ Obscurely it is publicising a petition against the local builders and decorators who have won the contract to work on the new Hypermarket.

27 - An Irrevocable Commitment

When Oud Ramonides, learned kabbalist,  meets poet-philosopher, Abdul Hasib ibn Burd, there is an instant rapport. In the noon-time sun, the two men sit in the shade of a purple rhododendron in the garden of the Frabjous Tea Rooms, drinking clove tea and discussing the ideas of Albert Einstein. At the next table, Leporello Swinson is showing his new tattoo to café owner Wilfriede Organdy. Hasib whispers to Oud, ‘A tattoo is an irrevocable commitment to eternal youth.’ Oud nods. Unfortunately it turns out that Oud has an unusual reaction to clove tea. As he peers at Swinson’s tattoo, the shapes swirl into elastic forms and glow with vivid colours.